BigKid One-Liners
(and two- and three-liners)



Three nuns were walking down a street. The first one was using her hands to describe the large oranges she saw while vacationing in Florida. The second nun then started using her hands to describe the large bananas she saw while missioning in Brazil.
The third nun (who was hard of hearing)then asked, "Father who???"


One day a man by the name Dan is walking down the street when he gets hit by a meteor. Instead of going to heaven Dan goes to the other place. Soon enough Dan is put to work and is just loving the heat. When the devil finds out that a man loves the heat he decides to turn down the temperature, to lower than a arctic winter. So the next day Dan goes to work in the freezing cold and he loves this even more. When the Devil hears of this he has to meet the man who loves the heat and the cold so much. The next day when the Devil meets Dan he asked him why he liked the heat so much, Dan replied "It doesn't bother me." Then the Devil asks Dan why he likes the cold so much, Dan quickly replies,"This just means that the Broncos finally won the Super Bowl."
There were three hitch hikers and a farmer pick them up and takes him home and said they can sleep in the barn as long as they don't talk or look at his daughter. Later that night the hitch hikers were talking and were curious and wandering why they couldn't talk or look at his daughter so they decided they would go see her. Come to find out she was drop dead gorgious. But then the farmer came in and said I warned you. And said that in the morning they will have to take a test. That morning the hitch hikers woke up and the farmer was outside in his garden and said okay I told you not to look at my gaughter and you did so the consequences are each of you will pick one fruit out of my garden and if you can fit a 100 of them up your butt you can marry my daughter. So they did and the first guy got to 35 and they all fell out and the second guy did better he got to 90 and started laughing 92 and laughed some more and finally 99 and cracked out laughing and they all fell out and he asked him why he kept on laughing cause he only had one left to go and he said that the 3rd guy picked watermelons .
The Scarecrow, the Lion and Bill Clinton take off together to find the Wizard of Oz. They search and search, but with little luck. Suddenly, a tornado sweeps the trio off their feet and moments later, drops them right in front of the Emeral Palace. The Scarecrow, not missing a beat, says: "I'm going to find the Wizard and ask him for a brain." The Lion said, "I'm going to ask him for a heart." Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy."
A man wanted a bird for his wife. He went to a pet shop and asked the person running it if he had a bird. He said yes and that he had a special bird for him. It was a bird that if you lit a fire under his wings he would sing a song. So the man took the bird, but before he gave it to his wife he lit a fire under his private parts (the bird is a male). Then after that, the bird starting signing "Chestnuts Roasting on an open Fire"
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Official word from Washington is that Al Gore is now just an orgasm away from being President of the United States.
Q: What do you do when the dishwasher stops?
A: Slap her!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor.
"Make me one with everything"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. The king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Q: Do you know how bungee jumping and prostitutes are the same?
A: They both cost $100, they only last 15 seconds, and if the rubber breaks your screwed.
Q: What happened when the woman backed into a fan?
A: Dis-ass-her!
IMPORTANT, BUT OFTEN FORGOTTEN RULES OF ENGLISH

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow?
A. A chicow
What has four legs and flies?
Two pairs of trousers
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
--Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
--Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.....hahahahahahhaa
--Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
--Ellen DeGeneres

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
--Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
--Emo Phillips


Why did Santa and Mrs. Claus never have children?
Because he only came once a year down a chimney.
Do you know what a wicker box is? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: What does a constipated mathematician do??
A: Works it out with a pencil
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the sound.
An elderly man was sitting next to me at the bar, and was getting very drunk. I picked him up off the floor after he fell off the bar stool, and offered to take him home. He accepted.

On the way to my car, he fell down three more times.

When I got him to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he fell down four more times!

I rang the bell, and said, "Ma'am, here's your husband."

She says, "So, where's his wheelchair?"
A women takes her great dane to the vet and tells him she is having problems with the dog. She explains to the vet that the great dane is always trying to hump her and asks for his help. The vet replies "Well, I could clip his nuts. That would take care of the problem" The women thinks about it for awhile and replies, "that's a little drastic don't you think? Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his breath?"
A guy walks into a busy restaurant one day and sits down. While sitting down he knocks the spoon off the table. Then the waiter comes flying over with another spoon. The man compliments the service and asks do all the waiters carry extra spoons. The waiter says that due to a efficency evaluation, 25% of customers knock the spoon off the table while sitting down. So we carry an extra one to increase efficency. As the man walks up to pay the check he cant help but ask about the string from his fly. The waiter replies that we lose 15% efficency due to washing our hands so the other end of the string is attatched to my dick. So when I need to piss I use the string to go, and without ever touching it I dont have to wash my hands and that increases efficency. Well the man asks how do you get it back in? The waiter replies I dont know about everyone else but I use the spoon.
Q. Why can't Barbie be in the toy box with the other toys?
A. She keeps sitting on Pinoccio's face yelling "Lie to me!"

Q. How do you castrate a Red Neck
A. You kick his sister in the jaw.

HERE'S ONE THAT WILL STUMP THE VERY ELITE. "WHAT DO GUYS WITH BIG DICKS EAT FOR BREAKFAST?" ANSWER: THE GUY WILL PROBABLY SAY,"I DON'T KNOW." YOU THEN RESPOND,"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."
So, there was this little potato and her ma and pa sitting at home one evening eating dinner. The little potato said, "Ma? Pa? I have some really big news! I'm gonna marry Dan Rather!"

Her ma and pa replied heavily, " But, Honey, we didn't want you to marry a common tater."
Q How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Only one, but it has to really want to change.
Q What do you call 30 millionaires watching the super bowl?
A The Dallas Cowboys
Q What has 81 balls and screws over hundred old women every Tuesday night?
A Bingo
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

God is love, love is blind, god is blind.
Q How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It's not hard
Q Why can't you circumcise lawyers?
A There's no end to those pricks.
Q Why did captain picard go into the girl's washroom?
A Because he wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before!
Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes?
Neither has she.
Q Why doesn't Santa Claus have children?
A He only comes once a year, and that's down a chimney.
Q How do you know if a girl is ticklish?
A Give her a test tickle
A nun was in an elevator with a man. She said "T.G.I.F.," and he replied "S.H.I.T." The nun told him he was very rude and shouldn't have said that. The man responded, "All I was trying to say was, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Q What does a guy do with 365 used condoms?
A He makes a tire out of them and calls it a Goodyear!
Did you hear Value Jet doesn't require a picture ID anymore? They just want a copy of your dental records.
Two guys were walking home from a pub. On their way, they walked through a cemetery. The first guy happened to glance at a gravestone. It read... "Here lies Tom, a lawyer and an honest man." The first guy said to the second guy... "Hey John, there's three people in this grave."
Q Why did they find a bunch of noses in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator?
A He wanted a Dahmernose pizza!
Q What does a football player get on a math test?
A Drool
A kid was playing with himself in his room when all of a sudden his father walked into the room and said, "Son, stop playing with that. It will make you go blind." The child replied, "But Dad, I am over here."
Q If there were 4 potatos in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Q What did one doe say to the other doe as they walked out of the woods?
A I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Q Why don't blind people skydive?
A Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q What do you get when you have 100 lawyers in your basement?
A A whine cellar...

Q What is black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?
A A Doberman..

Me: "Hello, Boss"....."It's me. I have to go to the eye doctor"
Boss: "I hope it is nothing serious"...
Me: "No, I just can't see coming into work today."
Q How many Notre Dame football fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A 11, one to screw it in and the other ten to talk about how good the old bulb used to be.
Q Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat
Q How do you get four old ladies to swear?
A Get the fifth old lady to say "Bingo!"
Q How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A He is the only one with the sesame seed buns.
Q What do you call a cow that lost its calf?
A Decalfenated.
Q How can you tell when a moth farts?
A He flies in a straight line for a couple of seconds.
Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull
Q What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A A robber snatches watches.
Q What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
A The front row of a New Kids on the Block concert.
Q Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, and the other one's a fish!
Q How many pot smokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A 13, one to hold the lightbulb and the other 12 to smoke until the room starts to spin.
Q What did the blind man say as he walked through the fish market?
A Morn'in Ladies.
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.
Q Why was Adam so jealous of his firstborn?
A He didn't know what an umbilical cord was.

Q What were Adam's first words to Eve?
A Stand back... I don't know how big it gets.
Q What kind of meat does the pope eat?
A Nun

Q Why is virginity like a balloon?
A All it needs is one little prick and it's gone.
Q What's 69 + 69 ?
A A feast for four.
Q What's the difference between Eddie Kidd and Linda Lovelace?
A Eddie Kidd performs with a cunning stunt.
Q How many Dead Heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None ... They just let it burn out and then follow it around the country.
Q What is grosser than gross?
A When a midget walks up to you and says, "Gee, your hair smells nice."
Person 1 Do you know what the capital of Alaska is?
Person 2 Juneau?
Person 1 If I knew, I would not be asking you.
Q How do you confuse a retard?
A Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in a corner.

Q How do you confuse him even more?
A Ask him what corner he peed in.
Q What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A A dildo.

Q What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A Toys for twats
Q Why don't chicken wear underware?
A Because their peckers are on their face!
Q What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
Q What does DNA stand for?
A National Association of Dyslexics
Q How do you circumcise a whale?
A Four skin divers.
Q What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A Milk and quackers.
Q Why does an elephant have four feet?
A Because it wouldn't work with 6 inches.
Q What kind of tool does a baby bird need to help it get out of its eggshell?
A A hatch-it
Q How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two, but how are you gonna get them in there?
Q What were Jeffery Dahmer's last words?
A Eat me!
Q What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?
A Honey, I'm home!
Q Why do whales make such great lovers?
A Because they have an 8-foot-long tongue and a hole in the back of their head they can breathe out of!
Q Did you know that Kurt Cobain had blue eyes?
A Yeah... one blew left and one blew right.
Q Why do you aways see nuns traveling in pairs?
A That's so one nun can make sure that the other nun, ain't getting nun!
Q What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A A stick!
Q Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
A Because Kermit likes Sweet and sour pork.
Q How did Dolly Parton die?
A She fell into a booby trap!
Definition of a virgin lake:
A lake where a woman has yet to swim and the fish still taste like chicken.
Q When is Mother's Day?
A Nine months after Father's Night!

Q What is the difference between an evening gown and a night gown?
A About fifteen minutes if you are lucky!
Q What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
A Eliphino
Q What's the difference between O. J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman?
A It only took twelve jerks to get O. J. off.
First God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Q What do tou call a masturbating cow?
A Beef strokin' off.
Q What's got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
A Half a dog.
Q What do all constipated people have in common?
A None of them give a crap!
Q What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A Walk him and pitch to the rhino!

Q What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?
A Hop in!
Q Why was the toad found dead?
A Because it croaked.
Q What do you get when you cross a crooked polititian with a real bad lawyer?
A Chelsea Clinton
Q What do you get when you have a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A Someone who lays up nights wondering if there really is a dog.
Q What's the difference between god and a lawyer ?
A God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q What is a "Yankee"?
A It's like a "Quickee", but you're by yourself.
Q What is the squareroot of 69?
A eight something
Q Why did the condom fly around the room?
A Because it was pissed off.
Q How did Dairy Queen get pregnant ?
A Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Q What is the one thing you should not ask your partner while having sex?
A Do you except VISA?
Q What is so bad about being an egg?
A It takes 10 minutes to get hard, you only get laid once, and it is by your mom.
Q What's the disadvantage of being an egg?
A You can only get laid once.

Q What's another disadvantage of being an egg?
A You can only get eaten once.

Q What's the worst disadvantage of being an egg?
A Only your mother can sit on your face.
Q What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A How do you breathe through something that little?
Q What does D.A.M. stand for?
A Mothers Against Dyslexia
Q How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A One, if you slice him real thin.
Q What's red and green and goes 120 miles per hour?
A Kermit the Frog in a blender on the back of a race car.

Q What do you call a man with no legs or arms hanging from a wall?
A Art

Q What do you call his arms and legs?
A Pieces of Art
Q What do you call a cow with three legs?
A Lean beef.

Q What do you call a cow with no legs?
A Ground beef.
Q Why can't Barbie have babies?
A Because Ken comes in a different box!
Q Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
A He wanted to greet everyone with a hand shake.
Q What does a naked guy get from breakfast?
A Vitamins and nude-trients!
Q What was the last thing that went through the mind of the stewardess on the ValuJet plane?
A The beverage cart.
  • Did you hear about Lorraine Bobbit getting injured in a car accident?
  • Yeah, some dick cut her off.
      Submitted by Martin S.
    Q You are in a room with a pedophile, a serial rapist, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
    A You shoot the lawyer twice, and then pistol whip the son of a bitch until you're sure he's dead.
      Submitted by JEParham
    Q What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
    A Make me one with everything
      Overheard at the 1996 CSICOP Congress in Buffalo
    Q What did Jeffrey Dahmer say after his last date?
    A BURPPPPP !
      Submitted by INDYPHANTOM
    Q What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
    A The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you get off my cloud."
    A Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
      Submitted by David H.
    Q What do elephants use for tampons?
    A Sheep
      Submitted by ??
    Q What does the shepherd's wife use for tampons?
    A The shepherd
      Submitted by Mikey
    Q What did one Florida alligator say to another alligator?
    A "This airplane food isn't so bad."

    Q Why can't you book a seat on a Valu Jet flight?
    A Because they're swamped.
      Submitted by T. Houck
    Q What sounds like this: "Whee!!! Gurgle, Gurgle"?
    A Passengers on a Valu Jet Airline.
      Submitted by Mr. Bill
    Q What's green and smells like a pig?
    A Kermit's fingers
      Submitted by "Macgarn"
    Q What do you have if you have a green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand?
    A Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

    Q What is invisible and smells like carrots?
    A ...bunny farts!
      Submitted by "yu106491"
    Q Why do women fake orgasms?
    A Because they think men care.
      Submitted by We Be Tommy
    Q How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A Dress her as an altar boy.
      Submitted by Mike
    Q What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in a hallway?
    A A nun with a javelin stuck through her head.
      Submitted by Jason S.


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