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Winner of America's Funniest Homepage - May 1997

Submission Review Process for Jokes:
Extremely Offensive: Thrown Out Immediately
Somewhat Offensive: Accepted to BigKid Rejects
Anything Else: Accepted to Appropriate BigKid Joke Page



Q: Why don't lawyers sleep with their clients?
A: Because it would be highly unethical to bill their clients twice for the same service.
Q: What can Monica Lewinsky put on her resume?
A: She sat on the presidential staff!
Most of us worry about getting AIDS from sex,
but Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from his aides.
Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
A: Because the "b" shells were to small!
Q: Why cant barbie and ken have kids?
A: Cause ken comes in a box
Michael Jackson finished last at an Formula one race for celebs.
He had to come make a pittstop every round to change his nose!
I went to a funeral last week, but I'm never going there again.

The music started playing and my friend and I were the only ones dancing.
A prostitute goes to the docter and says: "Oh doc, i'm so tired!"
The docter examines her and answers: "Ma'am, if I were you, i'd stay out of bed for a while.....!"
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, and Clinton were on a boat that hit an iceberg.....

Ford said......"What shall we do? "

Reagan said...."Man the lifeboats!"

Carter said...."Women and children first!"

Nixon said....."Screw the women and children!"

Clinton said..."Do you think we have time?"

President Clinton was having a press conference at the White House. One of the reporters asked him, "Mr. President, Why are you wearing a pair of panties on your arm?"

"Well," said Clinton, "With all the hassle lately regarding Lewinsky, Jones, and now Willey, I have decided to put myself on the patch."
I just got a car for my wife!!...Good trade, huh?
Q: Why are women like hurricanes?

A: At first they're wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

So he can keep his ankles warm
Q: How many personal therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. The bulb is the only one that can change itself.
A fellow finds a bottle and when he opens it a genie pops out and grants him three wishes. But whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double.

I would like a million dollars,he says. Poof, he has a million dollars but his ex gets two! I would like a big house,he says. Poof, he gets a big house and his ex-wife gets two. Third wish the genie says?Pick up that stick beside you and beat me half to death!
A man walks into a bar.

He says "ouch."
Future Sound Bite from Bill Clinton as he leaves Office at the end of his term as President.

"......was it good for you. It was great for me."
Flys

Q:How many flys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:2,but i don't know how the hell they got in there.
Rejected String

A piece of string walked into a bar, and sat down on a stool. The bartender glared at the string and said, "Sorry buddy, we don't serve your kind here." The string left saddened.
The string went home, and put on glasses and a fake mustache and decided to go back to the bar in this disguise. He sat down at the bar, and the bartender recognized him right away. "I told you we don't serve your kind here buddy!" The string left saddened once again.
The string went out into the parking lot and was really pissed off at himself for not being able to get a drink. He climbed to the top of a tall building and jumped off. He landed on the ground, and totally messed himself up. The string was a real mess. The string limped back into the bar. The bartender stared him down and asked, "Aren't you the same string that was in here twice before?"
The string stared back at the bartender and replied, "Nope, frayed knot!"
What do you call a boy wearing the clothes of a nun?
A Tran-sister
Three nuns were walking down a street. The first one was using her hands to describe the large oranges she saw while vacationing in Florida. The second nun then started using her hands to describe the large bananas she saw while missioning in Brazil.
The third nun (who was hard of hearing)then asked, "Father who???"


Whats the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says ribb-it ribb-it the other says rub-it rub-it.

Infallibility?
Your so ugly, when i look at you i begin to believe even god can make mistakes........


How do you get out of an all brick room with only a mirror and a table?
You look in the mirror, you see what you saw, you take the saw and cut the table, 2 halves make a whole and you climb through it!


Two guys walked into a bar and the third one ducked!!


One day a man by the name Dan is walking down the street when he gets hit by a meteor. Instead of going to heaven Dan goes to the other place. Soon enough Dan is put to work and is just loving the heat. When the devil finds out that a man loves the heat he decides to turn down the temperature, to lower than a arctic winter. So the next day Dan goes to work in the freezing cold and he loves this even more. When the Devil hears of this he has to meet the man who loves the heat and the cold so much. The next day when the Devil meets Dan he asked him why he liked the heat so much, Dan replied "It doesn't bother me." Then the Devil asks Dan why he likes the cold so much, Dan quickly replies,"This just means that the Broncos finally won the Super Bowl."
A little boy wanted to know the difference between probabillity and reality. So he went and asked his dad. The dad told the little boy to ask his mom if she would sleep with the mail man for a million dollars. So he did and she said yes. The boy went back to his dad and said, she said yes, but that doesnt answer my question. the dad then told th boy to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the mail man for a million dollars. He did and she said yes as well. The little boy went back to his dad and said, she said yes too but that still doesnt answer my question. the dad said, well with probabillity we'd be rich, but in reality we're living witha couple of sluts.
Aliens

If aliens are of a higher intelligence, why do they obduct the dumbest people?
-Dingbat City-

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
There's dandruff on his/her shoes.

You know your a redneck if you're playing soccer and you say "I hit my 2 best balls today.....
with a rake."
There were three hitch hikers and a farmer pick them up and takes him home and said they can sleep in the barn as long as they don't talk or look at his daughter. Later that night the hitch hikers were talking and were curious and wandering why they couldn't talk or look at his daughter so they decided they would go see her. Come to find out she was drop dead gorgious. But then the farmer came in and said I warned you. And said that in the morning they will have to take a test. That morning the hitch hikers woke up and the farmer was outside in his garden and said okay I told you not to look at my gaughter and you did so the consequences are each of you will pick one fruit out of my garden and if you can fit a 100 of them up your butt you can marry my daughter. So they did and the first guy got to 35 and they all fell out and the second guy did better he got to 90 and started laughing 92 and laughed some more and finally 99 and cracked out laughing and they all fell out and he asked him why he kept on laughing cause he only had one left to go and he said that the 3rd guy picked watermelons .
The Scarecrow, the Lion and Bill Clinton take off together to find the Wizard of Oz. They search and search, but with little luck. Suddenly, a tornado sweeps the trio off their feet and moments later, drops them right in front of the Emeral Palace. The Scarecrow, not missing a beat, says: "I'm going to find the Wizard and ask him for a brain." The Lion said, "I'm going to ask him for a heart." Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy."
A man wanted a bird for his wife. He went to a pet shop and asked the person running it if he had a bird. He said yes and that he had a special bird for him. It was a bird that if you lit a fire under his wings he would sing a song. So the man took the bird, but before he gave it to his wife he lit a fire under his private parts (the bird is a male). Then after that, the bird starting signing "Chestnuts Roasting on an open Fire"
Senior Viagra joke

Why do they give old men Viagra in the nursing homes?
To keep them from rolling off the beds!
Hot Chick

I'm driving down the highway going for a joy ride. I see you on the corner and I want to go inside.
I approach you and I tell you that I want you to be mine. You say, "No problem, sir. That's $11.99"
So we head back to my pad. Glad my room-mate's not there. Because if he was, he'd surely want to share.
My hunger starts to rise and my mouth begins to water. You're looking pretty good and you couldn't be hotter.
Your breasts are nice and tender and your buns worked to perfection. Your skin is very brown and there's no chance of rejection.
You're all oiled up, and that is very nice. I decide that I don't even need the extra sauce and spice.
You're sitting there before me wearing nothing but a bucket. All I want to do is grab the nearest leg and suck it.
Now it's all over. It was finger-lickin' good. So I toss you away just like any man would.
But your memory stays with me and I dream of you at night. Yes, Colonel Sanders, you do chicken right.

Hillbilly

You might be a redneck if..
the only gear your truck has is reverse
A white horse walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says "we have a drink named after you, you know."
And the horse says "what? Timmy?"
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Official word from Washington is that Al Gore is now just an orgasm away from being President of the United States.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor.
"Make me one with everything"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. The king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


IMPORTANT, BUT OFTEN FORGOTTEN RULES OF ENGLISH

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow?
A. A chicow
What has four legs and flies?
Two pairs of trousers
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs
Why did dairy queen get pregnant?
Cause buger king didnt cover his whopper.
Five Bucks

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy? " "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks," he replies. The hooker swears at him and walks away.

As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!, see what you get for five bucks?"
My Lying Wife

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?"

"So she's a liar,I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
--Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
--Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.....hahahahahahhaa
--Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
--Ellen DeGeneres

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
--Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
--Emo Phillips


Why did Santa and Mrs. Claus never have children?
Because he only came once a year down a chimney.
Q: What does a constipated mathematician do??
A: Works it out with a pencil
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the sound.
An elderly man was sitting next to me at the bar, and was getting very drunk. I picked him up off the floor after he fell off the bar stool, and offered to take him home. He accepted.

On the way to my car, he fell down three more times.

When I got him to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he fell down four more times!

I rang the bell, and said, "Ma'am, here's your husband."

She says, "So, where's his wheelchair?"
A guy walks into a busy restaurant one day and sits down. While sitting down he knocks the spoon off the table. Then the waiter comes flying over with another spoon. The man compliments the service and asks do all the waiters carry extra spoons. The waiter says that due to a efficency evaluation, 25% of customers knock the spoon off the table while sitting down. So we carry an extra one to increase efficency. As the man walks up to pay the check he cant help but ask about the string from his fly. The waiter replies that we lose 15% efficency due to washing our hands so the other end of the string is attatched to my dick. So when I need to piss I use the string to go, and without ever touching it I dont have to wash my hands and that increases efficency. Well the man asks how do you get it back in? The waiter replies I dont know about everyone else but I use the spoon.
So, there was this little potato and her ma and pa sitting at home one evening eating dinner. The little potato said, "Ma? Pa? I have some really big news! I'm gonna marry Dan Rather!"

Her ma and pa replied heavily, " But, Honey, we didn't want you to marry a common tater."
Q How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Only one, but it has to really want to change.
Q What do you call 30 millionaires watching the super bowl?
A The Dallas Cowboys
Q What has 81 balls and screws over hundred old women every Tuesday night?
A Bingo
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

God is love, love is blind, god is blind.
Q Why can't you circumcise lawyers?
A There's no end to those pricks.
Q Why did captain picard go into the girl's washroom?
A Because he wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before!
Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes?
Neither has she.
A nun was in an elevator with a man. She said "T.G.I.F.," and he replied "S.H.I.T." The nun told him he was very rude and shouldn't have said that. The man responded, "All I was trying to say was, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Q What does a guy do with 365 used condoms?
A He makes a tire out of them and calls it a Goodyear!
Did you hear Value Jet doesn't require a picture ID anymore? They just want a copy of your dental records.
Two guys were walking home from a pub. On their way, they walked through a cemetery. The first guy happened to glance at a gravestone. It read... "Here lies Tom, a lawyer and an honest man." The first guy said to the second guy... "Hey John, there's three people in this grave."
Q Why did they find a bunch of noses in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator?
A He wanted a Dahmernose pizza!
Q What does a football player get on a math test?
A Drool
Q Why don't blind people skydive?
A Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q What do you get when you have 100 lawyers in your basement?
A A whine cellar...

Q What is black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?
A A Doberman..

Me: "Hello, Boss"....."It's me. I have to go to the eye doctor"
Boss: "I hope it is nothing serious"...
Me: "No, I just can't see coming into work today."
Q How many Notre Dame football fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A 11, one to screw it in and the other ten to talk about how good the old bulb used to be.
Q How do you get four old ladies to swear?
A Get the fifth old lady to say "Bingo!"
Q How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A He is the only one with the sesame seed buns.
Q What do you call a cow that lost its calf?
A Decalfenated.
Q How can you tell when a moth farts?
A He flies in a straight line for a couple of seconds.
Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull
Q What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A A robber snatches watches.
Q Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, and the other one's a fish!
Q How many pot smokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A 13, one to hold the lightbulb and the other 12 to smoke until the room starts to spin.
Q Why was Adam so jealous of his firstborn?
A He didn't know what an umbilical cord was.

Q What's the difference between Eddie Kidd and Linda Lovelace?
A Eddie Kidd performs with a cunning stunt.
Q How many Dead Heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None ... They just let it burn out and then follow it around the country.
Person 1 Do you know what the capital of Alaska is?
Person 2 Juneau?
Person 1 If I knew, I would not be asking you.
Q What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
Q What does DNA stand for?
A National Association of Dyslexics
Q How do you circumcise a whale?
A Four skin divers.
Q What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A Milk and quackers.
Q What kind of tool does a baby bird need to help it get out of its eggshell?
A A hatch-it
Q What were Jeffery Dahmer's last words?
A Eat me!
Q Did you know that Kurt Cobain had blue eyes?
A Yeah... one blew left and one blew right.
Q What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A A stick!
Q How did Dolly Parton die?
A She fell into a booby trap!
Q When is Mother's Day?
A Nine months after Father's Night!

Q What is the difference between an evening gown and a night gown?
A About fifteen minutes if you are lucky!
Q What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
A Eliphino
First God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Q What do all constipated people have in common?
A None of them give a crap!
Q What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A Walk him and pitch to the rhino!

Q What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?
A Hop in!
Q Why was the toad found dead?
A Because it croaked.
Q What do you get when you have a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A Someone who lays up nights wondering if there really is a dog.
Q What's the difference between god and a lawyer ?
A God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A How do you breathe through something that little?
Q What does D.A.M. stand for?
A Mothers Against Dyslexia
Q How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A One, if you slice him real thin.
Q What's red and green and goes 120 miles per hour?
A Kermit the Frog in a blender on the back of a race car.

Q What do you call a man with no legs or arms hanging from a wall?
A Art

Q What do you call his arms and legs?
A Pieces of Art
Q What do you call a cow with three legs?
A Lean beef.

Q What do you call a cow with no legs?
A Ground beef.
Q Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
A He wanted to greet everyone with a hand shake.
Q What was the last thing that went through the mind of the stewardess on the ValuJet plane?
A The beverage cart.
Q What did Jeffrey Dahmer say after his last date?
A BURPPPPP !
Q What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
A The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you get off my cloud."
A Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
Q What did one Florida alligator say to another alligator?
A "This airplane food isn't so bad."

Q Why can't you book a seat on a Valu Jet flight?
A Because they're swamped.
Q What sounds like this: "Whee!!! Gurgle, Gurgle"?
A Passengers on a Valu Jet Airline.
Q What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A ...bunny farts!
Categories:

Dumb Blonde Jokes
 Dumb Men Jokes
 Lawyer Jokes
 Why Ask Why?
 One-Liners
Religious Jokes
Music Jokes
Light Bulb Jokes
Featured Joke #1
Featured Joke #2
Weird Sites
[ Recent Jokes | Joke Archives | Submit Jokes | Links | Jokes Home ]

Winner of America's Funniest Homepage - May 1997

Submission Review Process for Jokes:
Extremely Offensive: Thrown Out Immediately
Somewhat Offensive: Accepted to BigKid Rejects
Anything Else: Accepted to Appropriate BigKid Joke Page

Visit Port-A-StorageVisit this Now2000 choice site!