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Winner of America's Funniest Homepage - May 1997
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There were three guys on top of the cn tower, and they met a genie, the genie said I will give you one wish each, what you wish for you will jump off and land in it. the first guy wished to land in gold, so off he jumped and landed in gold, the second guy wished for lots of money he landed in money, the third guy said I wish for,,, Oh man I forget, oh crap, and with out Knowing he landed in a pile of crap.Submitted by Jeff
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that DOPE gone yet?Submitted by MER
Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.
The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.
The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.
The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.
At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.
the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."Submitted by firsttimer
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!!Submitted by Julie Johnson
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!Submitted by Jessica J. Strong
Why are blonde jokes so short?So men can remember them.
Submitted by Blonde
why do men have slits in their underware? so they can get oxygen to their brains.
Submitted by fred2
What did god say after he made Adam?
"I can do better than that." then he made Eve.
Submitted by Tomboy
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted
Submitted by Kaarina
How can you tell if a man is sexually active?
He's breathing!
Submitted by pebbles
A man is trying to impress a woman by making her think he's really intelligent.
Man: I like waking early in the morning.
Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?
Submitted by A-M
Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
Submitted by Lisa
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.
Submitted by pebbles
Why do women work harder than men?
Women get it done right the first time.
Submitted by Star
Three blondes run across a genie and he said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished to be 50% smarter. POOF! She's and burnette. The second one wished to be 25% smarter. POOF! She's a redhead. The third one wished to be 50% dumber. POOF! She's a blonde man!Submitted by Kristi Olsen
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a non-lazy man (who helps out around the house), and a lazy man are about to jump off a bridge into water. Who makes the biggest splash?
The lazy man. The other 3 don't exist.
Submitted by JeniJones
why don't men do laundry?
cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
Submitted by Joanie
One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."
Submitted by Darci
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Submitted by Susan A.
How are men like parking spaces?
The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped
Submitted by Jessica
What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted
Submitted by Jamie
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Submitted by Louie
How are men and beer bottles alike?
They're both empty from the neck up.Submitted by Dara C.
Why do woman fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay!Submitted by Thahadious
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Submitted by Diane
How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
Submitted by Laker
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows, it's never happenedSubmitted by baby2th.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
- So men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
- Government bonds mature.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
- Put the remote control between his toes
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
- Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
- We cook; they eat. We clean; they dirty. We iron; they wrinkle.
How do men exercise at the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
- A hot dog and a six-pack.
How are men like noodles?
- They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
- When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
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Winner of America's Funniest Homepage - May 1997
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