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THE REJECTS
A man in an airplane needs to use the restroom, but finds the men's room occupied. He asks a stewardess if it would be alright if he were to use the women's restroom. She replies that it would be OK, but warns him not to press the red button labeled "ATR." The man enters the restroom and takes care of business. Then he turns around and sees three buttons on the wall behind him. Out of curiosity, he presses the first, and he is sprayed with a stream of water. He figures "What the hell," and presses the second. This time he is wiped clean. Finally, he takes a look at the third button. He thinks for a second, then presses it. Everything goes black. The next thing he knows, he is in a hospital, and there is a great pain in his groin. Eventually, a nurse enters, and he asks, "What happened to me?".
She replies, "The third button you pushed was the one labeled 'ATR,' which stands for 'Automatic Tampon Removal.' Your balls are on your nightstand."
Submitted by Andy
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. That's cruelty to animals, have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the woman is home, telling her about the encounter with the cop.
"Well, what did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob...something about the emergency brake..."
Submitted by dmzff01
why is a school house red?
you be red too if you had 7 periods a day
Submitted by Hayes
what did one frog say to her partner during 69?
Your right we do taste like chicken.
Submitted by BigJim
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what exactly did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions that everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
Submitted by Trevor
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead were starving and lost in a forest. One day, the brunette walked away and came back with a baby deer. The redhead and the blonde were so amazed. They asked,"how did you get it?" The brunette said,"well, I was walking along the train tracks and boom, there was a baby deer.
The next day, the redhead walks off and comes back with a baby rabit. They are so amazed they asked,"how did you get it?" the redhead says,"well, I was walking along the train tracks and boom, there was a baby rabit."
The next day, the blonde walks off and comes back all mess up. They were so suprised so they asked what happened. The blonde says,"well, I was walking along the train tracks and boom, there was a train.
Submitted by DancingRck
Okay, there was this hillbilly who went up to a beautiful, blonde girl from New York. He then says to the ypung lady,"Will you marry me? You are so beautiful!"
She then resisted a minute, hearing his accent, and agreed.
On their wedding night, the hillbilly calls up his father for advice on what to do. The father says,"Well, son, you have to get her into bed first." So the hillbilly gets his newly wed into bed.
He then calls his father and asks what to do next. "You have to take off her cloths." So the hillbilly takes off her cloths and asks what to do next.
"Okay, son, this is the big one! Listen carefully, you put the hardest part of your body into the place she pees."
So the hillbilly does as told and calls his father back to say,"Okay dad, I have my head in the toilet, now what do I do?"
Submitted by Smartest Dumbest Blonde
There was a blonde, a redhead and a burnet they were asked if they Had to go on a secret desert mission and they could only Bring one thing so the redhead said i'm going to bring a sandwich so For when I get hungry the burette said i'm going to bring water in case I get thirsty and then the blonde replied i'm going to bring a car door so if I get Hot I can roll down the window.
Submitted by Nicherbocker13
This blonde goes to her car and gets in and she sees that her cd player and her steering wheel were gone and she calls 911 and says my cd player and my steering wheel were gone. The 911 lady said I'll send a police officer down there. A few minutes later the blond calls 911 and says nevermind I got in the backseat. Sorry.
Submitted by blink
A sad mother.
A mother and her husband had two twin sons, they did not have enough money to raise them so they had to send them to different parents looking for a son. They sent one to pain and one to Africa. The son sent to africa was named Amal and the other was named Juan.it was around 7 years and the real mother wish for a photo of her sons so she sent a letter to both of them. She got a photo and a letter back from Juan and not from Amal.she said oh i wish i had a photo of Amal. The father said "dear if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
REAL SAYING IS IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE YOU'VE SEEN EM ALL.
Submitted by Molly
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The Blond said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
Submitted by Player
The Complete Newton's Laws:
An object that is still
Tends to stay still
An object in motion
Tends to stay in motion
To every action
There is an equal reaction
In and out motion
Produces white lotion
Submitted by Newton's Law
Tonto and the lone ranger are riding throught the plains and tonto stops and
dismounts his horse puts his ear to the ground. lone ranger asks "what is it tonto?" tonto
replys "buffalo come." The lone ranger asks tonto "how do you know that tonto?" tonto replys "no, buffalo come, ear sticky."
Submitted by nor'easter
Flip Wilson found a majic lamp. As he rubbed the genie popped out and awarded him
three wishes. Flip thought for a while and said, " I want to be all white, up tight and out of
sight." The genie asked if he was sure, there could not be any changes later. Flip said yes, so
the Genie went ZAP and Flip became a tampon.
Submitted by professor
Q: How are women and spaghetti alike?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
Submitted by Pasta Lover
why are 70 year olds always so tired?
because its right after 69
Submitted by GARY FISHER
You might be a redneck if.............
someone says lets have a tailgate party and your girlfriend drops her pants and bends over!!!!
Submitted by Steve
A farmer comes in from working in the field and sneaks up on his wife who is making diner. He grabs her tits and says "If these were any bigger we could git rid of the cow!" The wife was mad but didn't say anything and served diner. After dinner the farmer again sneaked up on his wife, but this time he grabed her ass. Then he said "If this was any bigger we could
git rid of the pig!" Well enough is enough, so the wife turned around, grabed the farmers cock and said "If this were any bigger I could git rid of your brother!!!"
An old farmer walks into the lawyer's office.
"May I help you sir," the lawyer inquires.
The farmer responds, "Yeah, I wanna get me one of them-there dee-vorces."
"All right, sir, what are the grounds?"
"Oh, I got me a forty-acre spread right out of town..."
"Uh, no sir...what's your case?"
"Hain't got no Case, but I do have a John Deere, that's what i plow my forty acres with."
"Ah, I mean, what's your grudge?"
"Don't got no grudge, just an ol' barn where I park my Deere when I ain't plowin' my forty acres."
"No, no sir...what suit do you wish to bring?"
"Well, ain't really got no suit 'cept for these over-halls I'm a-wearin'..."
The lawyer sighs and leans forward. "Let's try this from another direction...tell me something about your wife...is she a nagger?"
"Nope, but her last kid wuz...and that's why I want one of them-there dee-vorces!"
Submitted by Mark D.
How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 one to roll it and one to light it
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!
Submitted by Brabant
When the U.N. investigators found enough condoms in the Imperial Palace to give one to EVERY MAN in the
FOURTH LARGEST ARMY IN THE WORLD to take with him into battle, WHAT DID SADDAM HUSSEIN HAVE TO
SAY ABOUT IT?
Hey, we will be able to defeat the Yankee Horde now that we have a combination GAS MASK and HELMET that fits right.
Submitted by The Undertaker
Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: They don't have an asshole till they get married.
Submitted by Granny Franny
Why does Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?
So you can read her lips.
Submitted by Long Dong Shaw
Q: Why do blondes wear a tampon when they skydive?
A: To keep them from whistling on the way down!
Submitted by big JIM
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive organ
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that
those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of
the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today us it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply appropriate measures, It can spread viruses.
3. If you use it to much, youl'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
Submitted by ZAC
Q: Why isn't Prince charles going to the funeral?
A: He'll be out FOX hunting!
Submitted by David
"The Wedding Night"
It was Bob and Jane's wedding night and being the very blunt
individual that Bob was he decided to get right down
to buisness as soon as they arrived at their hotel. As soon as they got
in the door Bob ripped off his shirt and while flexing his
arm muscles said "my arm is like ten pounds of dynamite." after that
each time he took of an article of clothing he would state
how much dynamite each one of his body parts was like. When he finally
got around to taking his underwear off Jane ran
screaming from the room. When he finally caught up with her Bob asked
Jane what in the world was wrong with her. Jane
replyed, "when I seen all that dynamite and then that little tiny fuse I
thought you were going to blow us up."
Submitted by "Tut's"
Q. What's the new reservation phone # at T.W.A.?
A. 1-800-T.W.A.-BOOM
Submitted by: Dave F.
Q. What is the difference between mad cow disease and PMS?
A. Absolutely nothing
Submitted by:Jason W.
A new graduate school teacher whose name was Ms. Prussy was also fond of educational games. She asked if anyone in her third grade class could guess her last name from a clue she gave. She told the class that her last name was like Pussy but contained the letter "R."
Young Johnny in the back row immediately responded and said, "I know your last name!! It's Ms. Crunt!!
Submitted by: Gustav
Q. What song does Mr. Rogers sing as he puts the hamster in the microwave oven?
A. Pop Goes the Weasel
Submitted by: A. Smith
Q. What is the difference between a barking dog in the back yard, and a bitching wife in the front yard?
A. Let the dog in the house and it quits barking.
Submitted by: Larry G.
The army stuffed a cork in the butt of an elephant and let it grow and grow and turn a funny shade of green. Now, while they had that going on, they trained a monkey to pull the cork out of bottles and things. One day the elephant looked pretty sick, so they put the monkey in there. As they watched, disgusting doo-doo got on the observation window. One man said sadly, "The last thing I saw was that poor monkey tryin' to put that cork back in."
Submitted by: Roger C..
Q. Why were Indians here first?
A. Because they had reservations
Submitted by: Str8UpMex
Q. What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Ur-anus, searching for clingons!
Submitted by: D J Miller
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